Reading other people’s blogs makes me realize what a poor mindset I am in.  I’m sorry if all of you are getting negative vibes from my posts, but I will admit that I am feeling stressed right now about the Bar and then some.

A good friend of mine had a baby last night.  I went over to see them at the hospital today and held this precious, little, fresh out of the oven, baby boy in my arms.  When I placed him on my lap, the little guy completely zenned out.  He looked as though he was in the deepest, most concentrated, yet peaceful, meditation.  I wish I could be like that for ten seconds.  A’s timing on the delivery was perfect.  A baby is the perfect distraction for this week and a wonderful and much needed reminder of the bigger better things in life.

Like another fellow blogger posted, this whole bar experience has taught me a lot about myself, a few things I am not proud of.  I don’t know where the happy, positive, optimistic person went.  I hope she is simply hibernating until this Saturday.  I have also learned that I trade worry for worry.  The Bar results used to be my biggest concern, but now that they are nearing, I am crowding the results out already with what I’m going to do once I have the results.  That, too, is being somewhat overshadowed by financial worries and questions having to do with more long-term future stuff.  What ever happened to just enjoying the moment?  Right now I feel like there are a lot of other things out there that are defining my life.  The bar results being one of them.  That’s one reason why I can’t even consider re-taking the bar for a third time in July.  *I* want to be the one defining my life, at least for a little while.

Even though I may seem pessimistic, it is largely because I am afraid of hoping too much.  Back in November, I was *shocked* that my name was not found on the list.  Really. Shocked.  This time, I am much more cautious, and taking the opposite extreme.  As one put it – our fates are already decided.  Four more days.  Freedom – in four more days.

My heart and hope aches for all of us.