Reading other people’s blogs makes me realize what a poor mindset I am in. I’m sorry if all of you are getting negative vibes from my posts, but I will admit that I am feeling stressed right now about the Bar and then some.
A good friend of mine had a baby last night. I went over to see them at the hospital today and held this precious, little, fresh out of the oven, baby boy in my arms. When I placed him on my lap, the little guy completely zenned out. He looked as though he was in the deepest, most concentrated, yet peaceful, meditation. I wish I could be like that for ten seconds. A’s timing on the delivery was perfect. A baby is the perfect distraction for this week and a wonderful and much needed reminder of the bigger better things in life.
Like another fellow blogger posted, this whole bar experience has taught me a lot about myself, a few things I am not proud of. I don’t know where the happy, positive, optimistic person went. I hope she is simply hibernating until this Saturday. I have also learned that I trade worry for worry. The Bar results used to be my biggest concern, but now that they are nearing, I am crowding the results out already with what I’m going to do once I have the results. That, too, is being somewhat overshadowed by financial worries and questions having to do with more long-term future stuff. What ever happened to just enjoying the moment? Right now I feel like there are a lot of other things out there that are defining my life. The bar results being one of them. That’s one reason why I can’t even consider re-taking the bar for a third time in July. *I* want to be the one defining my life, at least for a little while.
Even though I may seem pessimistic, it is largely because I am afraid of hoping too much. Back in November, I was *shocked* that my name was not found on the list. Really. Shocked. This time, I am much more cautious, and taking the opposite extreme. As one put it - our fates are already decided. Four more days. Freedom - in four more days.
My heart and hope aches for all of us.
