A friend of mine, M, had to take the Bar a second time in a different state. When we both didn’t pass our exams, it was nice to have someone else to talk to who could understand the ego-crushing effects and could commiserate over having to go through it one more time. I don’t know if she knows yet that I know about her results. The state released its results and a mutual friend (who also is a repeater) randomly checked a day after they came out. She then called to tell me and to ask me what we should say to M. It makes me wonder, though, what would I want people to say to ME if the same thing should happen? and, honestly, there is nothing to say. There is nothing that one could say that would be comforting, would make me feel less like a completely stupid, miserable idiot, and would make me think that I am still as valuable as I once was. At least not at first. I would hope that my self-esteem would be able to recover after a few months, but for those first few weeks afterwards, I would truly be at the bottom of the barrel.
All of the things that I can think of to tell M are trite, meaningless adages that I know would not bring her any comfort at all and would just make her feel like she needed to put on a happy face to convince others she wasn’t as devasted inside as I’m sure she must be. I know how she felt after round 1 and I know that the feeling after round 2 must be equally worse if not more so.
When my dad died, people said all sorts of the usual things in an effort to communicate to me their sympathy. And I know that everyone means well (as I do when I say those same words to another), but the truth is that none of it offered me any peace or comfort. Instead, it stressed me out because I would then feel like I needed to thank people for their kindness, blahblahblah instead of wallowing in my sadness and distress like I wanted to. And, granted, failing the Bar exam is seen as being significantly different than the loss of a loved one, and to an extent it definitely is. But, having experienced both, I can tell you that there are not as many differences as one might think. Failing the Bar whispers of losing the self you thought you would become. For me, if I don’t pass on Friday, I am not taking the CA Bar again for at least another year or two. It has been a struggle for me to come to this decision, but the choice is between a regular life as a normal person, or the possibility of practicing law in CA sometime in the next few years. I’ve decided that trying to live a happy, normal life NOW outweighs the continuing misery and stress and instability that would go on for at least another 6 months. But, if I don’t pass the bar this time, I will be grieving the CA lawyer that I will probably never be. I will have to deal with watching others accomplish what I *know* I could do as well if it weren’t for my inability to pass this stupid exam.
So, when I think of what to tell M, I am at a loss for words because I don’t know what I could say that would do anything for her. I also hate being in a place where I could potentially pass! I know that any words I say to her after that will be lost as I will simply not be able to understand the feelings she is going through.
I don’t know what it is about this exam that can devastate us so much and make me feel like a stupid worthless person incapable of succeeding in anything. Inside I am hopeful hopeful hopeful that I will pass this time around, but the question remains of - emotionally & mentally - what would I do if I failed again? As noted in my last post, a guy at work couldn’t understand why would-be lawyers get all wrapped up in the Bar results. I am too emotionally fragile right now and wisely held my tongue although everything in me wanted to lash out at him and say - “YOU spend months and time and energy and money trying to get into law school and YOU spend three years reading case books and taking multi-hour exams, and YOU spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education and YOU spend three months and another four thousand dollars studying your a&% off to get your license so that you can finally do the work that all this time, energy and money has been in preparation for and then tell me if YOU don’t care just the teeniest tiny bit about what your results are going to be and tell me that YOU don’t feel just a little bit like your entire life revolves around what those bar examiners say….!”
This week I have also been bombarded with the usual comments, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.. don’t worry, I’m sure you passed” etc etc. Thanks, but seriously - how many times did you take the bar? Oh, once? Never? Don’t talk to me.
So, back to my point - what to say to M? Sadly, the only thing that truly, honestly comes to mind and that I would never ever ever say to her is - I hope it doesn’t happen to me.
