i didn’t pass.
My first thought was, “Holy crap. I really didn’t pass.” then – “F. This is going to be so embarrassing delivering my office keys to the Judge on Monday morning.”
I think it’s strange that I don’t feel disappointed in myself, don’t feel like there was anything else I should’ve/could’ve done. More than anything, I am worried – will I pass the second time around? What if I don’t? How many times am I willing to take the stupid exam? What kind of jobs am I going to look for now? Should I really email that Public Def’s office I applied to last week (saying in my cover letter than I would notify them when i got my bar results), and tell them to just toss my application? What am I going to do to pay for my loans? Where am I going to study? How am i going to study?? Can I study enough?? Do I *want* to take it again??
I don’t think a choice, or a test, defines who I am. I am smarter than that. I’m sure I could have done things differently, but maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. One thing I am consoling myself with is that this time I already have outlines prepared and can just start studying directly from them. I am really irritated that California doesn’t give you a break down of the scores. At least not online. I mean, how else am I supposed to know how to improve next time around?? I am fairly positive, though, that I bombed that f’ing MBE. I double-checked my essays and nailed three of them and then didn’t do so terribly on the others that it would’ve made my score that unredeemable. I’m sure it had to be the MBE. But, will I ever know????
As much as I felt confident that I’d passed, I prepared myself for this. I’m just finally glad the waiting is over. At least now I know what I should do with the next 6 months.
I anticipated feeling more disappointed. Feeling more upset and having regrets about how I spent my study time. I didn’t anticipate this overwhelming worry and doubt. Do i really WANT to be a lawyer? How am i going to pay off my credit cards? what am i going to do for a job??!?!?
I mean, life could be so much worse. Not passing the Bar sucks, but, right now, my reality feels much more in-the-face than that. I have $200 in the bank account, and way more than that coming due in credit card bills and loans, and no near prospects for making money. I will be relying on my sexy man and my mom to take care of me and THAT lack of self-sufficiency and independence is more painful than some notice from the bar examiners.
Passing the bar was supposed to represent more than just overcoming some career obstacle. It was supposed to mean FREEDOM, INCOME, INDEPENDENCE, my own home… and that is now being delayed for even longer. Passing was supposed to represent stability – finally - and a sense of direction. So much for that.
To those of you who passed – congratulations.
To those who didn’t – here’s to the second time around *cheers*
I think i feel worse about your failure to pass then you do. lol I’ve been following your blog for a long time…
but don’t worry, everything will work out for you, one way or another
By: D on November 16, 2007
at 11:17 pm
I’ve been reading your blog all summer, and it was such a source of inspiration. I, too, falied the California bar. It was so embarrassing. Everyone I called tonight asked whether or not I was joking when I told them that I failed. They couldn’t believe it. I had to call my boss tonight to let her know that I didn’t pass:( We’ll see what she says. I work for a large law firm, and I know it will be super-embarrassing to go into work on Monday.
I really hope you keep up the blog as you study for the Feb. bar. I am totally confident that both of us will be celebrating come May 16th, 2008.
I know this is a really difficult time, but I’m trying to make a list of everything that I have to be grateful for. I have amazing friends, an awesome boyfriend, and a good job (for now!). This list has been really helpful. Remember: Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger!!! (At least, my track coash used to tell me that!).
I am 100% confident that we will both pass in February! Best wishes!
By: Mouse on November 17, 2007
at 1:10 am
I have read a few of your posts. I wanted to commiserate with you. I failed the MA bar. MA sent us a letter before they posted results online. The letter included an enclosure with our MBE breakdown (along w/ the MA avg for those topics) and scores for each of the essays. Hopefully CA does the same.
You seem to be doing well with it, although it could be shock. Be prepared for a lot of mood swings over the next week or so…. alert all those close to you to be equally as prepared. One moment you’ll be ok with it, the next you’ll be a mess. It’s alright though. You’ll get through this… much like law school it’s just another pain in the ass thing to get through.
By: snarkyrunner on November 17, 2007
at 1:58 am
Don’t you mean “who wants to be a lawyer anyway… in CA?”
There was a January article in the Stanford Daily about bar exam Kathleen Sullivan. Here is an excerpt:
“Among those who failed was Stanford Law School Professor and former dean Kathleen Sullivan. Having previously passed the bar in New York and Massachusetts, Sullivan is a noted constitutional scholar who has practiced law for 25 years, making numerous appearances before the U.S. Supreme Court. She decided to take the California bar exam after joining a legal firm as an appellate specialist, but found that she was pressed for time to study.”
My point is that, with a pass rate of just over 50%, the California bar exam is madness! Here in lovely NY, enjoy a 70% pass rate. Practice in Chicago where the pass rate is almost 80%!
As I recall, you also used MicroMash- I know their NY materials included bad law. I wonder if they messed you up in Cali.
In any event, I hope you consider sitting in another state. (In Illinois, you can sit for the state portion alone if you passed the MBE with at least a 140!)
By: Adam on November 17, 2007
at 6:10 am
Hi, I am really sorry you did not pass. Neither did I and it was not my first try. You will rebound for February and get past this thing. I’ve been following your blog along with so many in the blogger class of ‘07. You seem like a very sharp gal and I had placed bets on you to pass.
Take time out for yourself this Thanksgiving, then go back and slay the beast! I’m making up my study calendar NOW.
By: blondie on November 17, 2007
at 3:34 pm
I’ve read your blog all summer long, since I started my own.
If I could give you some advice – try Adaptibar! I think it really helped me on the MBE, and it’s cheap. I feel like an Adaptibar spokesman a lot of the time because I liked it so much!
By: Salmon Chase on November 17, 2007
at 3:36 pm
You poor kid. I’m so sorry.
The loan companies will defer your loans if you cannot afford to pay them. It’s a forbearance or something. You get 15 months over the life of the loan, I think.
One of my friends failed the CA Bar and never took it again. She took the MA Bar instead and passed so easily. After studying for CA, she felt MA was a joke.
I know several attorneys that don’t want to be attorneys but after law school, they can’t afford not to be.
I hope you keep blogging.
By: J on November 17, 2007
at 9:16 pm
By: Melissa on November 17, 2007
at 9:45 pm
I read something interesting last week — and it really sunk in with me as I lived vicariously through you & your emotions leading up to and now after receving your BAR results. To paraphrase, the saying goes something like this: People who fail to succeed tend to worry more about the obstacles than about achieving their goal. But if you instead keep your focus on your ultimate goal — you will naturally overcome the obstacles as they present themselves.
My dear sis, the bar is simply an obstacle that you will pass — just do your best to keep your eyes on the ultimate prize.
I have absolutely no doubt that you ran into a nasty obstacle two weeks before your exam. That won’t happen again — and soon I believe you’ll know what areas you need to concentrate on.
I love you & I belive in you — and from what I can tell on your blog here, I’m certainly not the only believer. Like a kidney stone, you too, will pass the BAR. And like a kidney stone, I’m sure it’s going to be painful until you do.
By: Da Bro on November 18, 2007
at 9:24 pm
The State Bar will give you your scores and your answers (though not marked up or commented on), but I think you have to physically pick them up yourself (how’s that for service?!) From there you will be able to see where you are score-wise.
Sorry to hear about your bad news. The folks from my class who didn’t pass figured out where they went wrong based on their scores and emphasized those areas for the re-take. All but one of them passed the Feb. Bar. Best of luck!
By: junior on November 19, 2007
at 12:02 pm
So sorry to hear your news – but think of it this way. The bar exam is just a game, and now that you’ve had a practice round, you are familiar with the rules and can now play to win. Keep strong, and don’t let the results of one ridiculously hard exam determine what you think about yourself. You worked hard, and had no regrets about what you did. That’s the important part – how YOU feel. I know it sucks, but just know that you can and will figure out the game that is the CA bar exam, and you will do wonderful in February.
Also, I have this year’s PMBR books, with literally thousands of MBE questions to practice on. They really helped me, and if you send me your address, I’d be happy to give them to you.
Best of luck in February – you’ll be great!
By: barbara on November 19, 2007
at 4:47 pm
Thank you everyone….. I can’t believe all of you have been following up with my blogging & bar-taking efforts! It was so nice to log back on here and see all of your kind, supportive & encouraging comments.
D~ thank you!! you are too sweet… i know things will work out eventually, they always do, but thank you for reminding me of that when I really need it!!
Mouse~ we are rock stars… think of the strength of character we will have when we come through this for the second time!! I’m so sorry to hear that you didn’t pass either. This sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but at least we are not alone and we are in good company! Do we really have to wait until MAY????!?! wow… thanks for reading and studying along with me and YES – we will rock the Feb exam! Thanks too for the idea about your list…. i’ll have to start one of those, too, so I can refer back to it again and again over the next few months
Snarky~ You are so right about the moodswings. I’ve already had a few and I warned my boyfriend that he is definitely in for some more! I’m giving myself until next week to let it all settle in but the crappy feeling will linger for a while, i’m sure… thanks for the comment
Adam~ haha! thanks for making me smile… Believe me, if round 2 doesn’t go so well in CA, I will definitely be looking for another bar to take! I’m going to take Colorado no matter what but i’m really hoping I can conquer the CA Beast. I appreciate your keeping things in perspective for me.
Melissa~ thank you
I love you friend.
Mon Frere~ I love you. But, don’t forget that me not passing means you have to stay out of trouble now until May….
Junior~ Thank you! I think I should get the letter today or tomorrow, but at least now I know what to expect from it. Thank you!!!
Barbara, Blondie, SC & J~ thank you!!
By: irrational basis on November 19, 2007
at 6:46 pm
Sorry to hear this. From reading your later posts, it seems you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to pass. Maybe too much. The CA bar is not the only solution to all problems in life.
Anyhow I don’t have the answers. But I do hope you feel better and wish you good luck no matter you decide to retake or not!
By: Biff on November 22, 2007
at 11:30 pm