I’m not going to say I didn’t try, didn’t study hard, didn’t work my butt off to earn a passing result, but, I was lucky.  If the examiners had decided to test, instead, on certain areas of property law, civ pro, contracts, or remedies, these results could have been different.  I know some people said they kind of brushed off community property because it had already been tested on July and so many times before.  Others neglected torts because it was tested in July.  And then there was me, who didn’t have a great approach to some of the more complicated subjects, and felt like community property and wills/trusts was the shortest outline and the easiest to memorize, and I lucked out on Day 3.

When I left the testing area that last day of February, I felt like God had done everything possible to put me in a position to pass.  Which, is one of the reasons why - if I had failed again - I couldn’t bear the thought of going for a third round.  I felt that, if I couldn’t pass this time, with these questions being dropped in my lap, how could I *ever* pass???  I was lucky.

I am so disheartened to see that many of my fellow bloggers weren’t so lucky.  I looked at the cal bar site today and saw that only 39% of the Feb takers passed.  THIRTY-NINE PERCENT.  What is wrong with these examiners?!?!?!  I hate it because I know that the majority of the remaining 61% would be competent, fantastic lawyers if only for this f*ing exam.  My own joy is somewhat tempered by knowing that this moment - of all moments - is one that we cannot share.  We have built a little online community that has provided support, encouragement, and a sense of camaraderie through some very dark days.  We struggled together to come to terms with our initial failures, and rallied on through those three exhausting days again.  And now - when we all should be celebrating, lines have been drawn.   I cannot now say that “I know how you feel.”  To not pass once is one thing, but to go through that again is a completely different monster.  I am glad to see that some of you have already signed up for July - that takes a strength and perseverance that I’m not sure I would have.  I hope so much that, next time, the cards fall *your* way and that, come November, we can celebrate your success.

“The name above appears on the pass list for the February 2008 California Bar Examination.”

There are times in life where a decision is made, words are said, and it is not until days, a year, or ten years later that you can look back and realize that *that* day was a defining moment in your world.  May 16, 6pm, is a defining moment for so many of us.   For me, it will likely decide whether I will ever practice law in California.  It will decide whether I stay in the legal field or pursue another career.   It feels strange to stand on the brink of such a major change in my life, knowing that this is a defining moment.   (Heck, it’s already defined my life for the last 6 months!)

I hope with all that I am that we can all be celebrating this moment for a long time to come….

To all those who have struggled through this - mind, body and soul - I wish you the very very best of luck tonight and please leave a comment to let me know whether you’re still here tomorrow

THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just checked the grand poobah’s blog and WE ARE DOWN TO *HOURS*

May God save us and give us good results.

More times than I can count this week, I have really really really really really wanted to yank the little white earphones out of the ears of those people who appear to be completely ignorant of the fact that everyone around them for at least 2 train cars down can hear every note that comes out their teeny tiny IPOD.   If Apple can figure out how to put all that memory into an inch by 3inches piece of plastic/metal, can’t they figure out how to make earphones that actually work?!?!?!

Sometimes I look around me at all the people who are plugged into their IPODs 24/7 (i.e. the secretaries at work) and wonder if they even remember what it is like to listen to the real world.  I know that’s why they zone out to their tunes - to escape the real world - but it seems to me that it’s a phenomenon that only increases the sense of loneliness and disconnect with others that pervades our generation and those below us.  Listening to your IPOD or other MP3 player inherently gives the effect of “don’t talk to me.”  Which can be nice sometimes, but it just astounds me how people I work with can listen to their IPOD all day , not even relinquishing it long enough to go to the bathroom unplugged.

Anyway, my pet peeve of the week has been those little white earphones that usually come with your Apple product (I have a pair I don’t use for stated reason) that contain about 1% of the sound to your ear, while the rest of it gets blared into the ears of others - especially on an otherwise silent, rush-hour commuter train.   Are people just not aware that their earphones suck?!

In other news, my boss asked me today when and how we get our bar results, and if I could leave him a voicemail message on his cell after I find out…  for some reason I really hated that he asked that, but I guess he will have to find out eventually, one way or another.

If San Francisco could be any more perfect than it was today, I’d think for sure I’d died and gone to Heaven.  Today was exquisite.  It was so gorgeous this morning, I knew I had to be outside for lunch. I walked a quick block and a half to the Embarcadero and seated myself on a bench which I, unfortunately, had to leave 45mins later, but with sunkissed skin and a delicious trickle of perspiration on my back.  Glorious.

And tonight… No words could do justice to the amazing sunset we had tonight.  I found a perfect spot around the corner from our building, where the rustic wooden walkway opens up to a view of the marina and the north-east part of the Bay.  There is a little restaurant just off to the left of the walkway that conveniently blocks the Bay Bridge, the GG Bridge and all of San Francisco from view.  I stood there for ten minutes to absorb the wonders of the sky - the orange, purple and blue hues swirling to create opalescent ribbons, the water lapping the shore - pink with sunset, the bright gold of the dying sun fanning out from behind Mt. Tam…  You would never know that you were in the Bay Area.  It felt like I was at an exotic resort far far from here…

When the sun grew lower, I walked around the corner back to our building’s entrance and was taken aback by the dramatic sight of the Bay Bridge twinkling against a cloudy, purple backdrop with The City all in shadow.   It was as though God was giving me a few moments to remember how good life is, to appreciate the beauty in my own backyard, and to feel - for the first time in days - complete, unadulterated, pure contentment and peace.  And, as if my heart wasn’t feeling full enough, a silly man walked by, rocking out to his ipod, obviously tone-deaf, singing “Roseannnaa” out loud.

What a wonderful wonderful day.

A co-worker came into my office yesterday for her sort-of-usual weekly chat which always begins with, “Can I be honest with you…?” and turns into a  1/3 vent, 1/3 nosing, 1/3 taking-a-break conversation.  Overall, I actually enjoyed this one.  However, at one point, she brought up something that happened last Thursday.  See, last thursday, at a meeting, my boss started talking about me and my upcoming bar results, and the employees started asking me questions, and - well - eventually I cried.  Not an all-out sobfest like I am prone to having on occasion, but the tears welled up and I couldn’t help it.  So, yesterday, my co-worker says, “Ya know, i think it really helped to see you cry last week.  I mean, not that we want to make you cry, but I think it showed all of us, ya know, that you are human.”

If crying makes one “human” then I am the poster child for Homo-Sapiens.

Reading other people’s blogs makes me realize what a poor mindset I am in.  I’m sorry if all of you are getting negative vibes from my posts, but I will admit that I am feeling stressed right now about the Bar and then some.

A good friend of mine had a baby last night.  I went over to see them at the hospital today and held this precious, little, fresh out of the oven, baby boy in my arms.  When I placed him on my lap, the little guy completely zenned out.  He looked as though he was in the deepest, most concentrated, yet peaceful, meditation.  I wish I could be like that for ten seconds.  A’s timing on the delivery was perfect.  A baby is the perfect distraction for this week and a wonderful and much needed reminder of the bigger better things in life.

Like another fellow blogger posted, this whole bar experience has taught me a lot about myself, a few things I am not proud of.  I don’t know where the happy, positive, optimistic person went.  I hope she is simply hibernating until this Saturday.  I have also learned that I trade worry for worry.  The Bar results used to be my biggest concern, but now that they are nearing, I am crowding the results out already with what I’m going to do once I have the results.  That, too, is being somewhat overshadowed by financial worries and questions having to do with more long-term future stuff.  What ever happened to just enjoying the moment?  Right now I feel like there are a lot of other things out there that are defining my life.  The bar results being one of them.  That’s one reason why I can’t even consider re-taking the bar for a third time in July.  *I* want to be the one defining my life, at least for a little while.

Even though I may seem pessimistic, it is largely because I am afraid of hoping too much.  Back in November, I was *shocked* that my name was not found on the list.  Really. Shocked.  This time, I am much more cautious, and taking the opposite extreme.  As one put it - our fates are already decided.  Four more days.  Freedom - in four more days.

My heart and hope aches for all of us.

A friend of mine, M, had to take the Bar a second time in a different state.  When we both didn’t pass our exams, it was nice to have someone  else to talk to who could understand the ego-crushing effects and could commiserate over having to go through it one more time.  I don’t know if she knows yet that I know about her results.  The state released its results and a mutual friend (who also is a repeater) randomly checked a day after they came out.  She then called to tell me and to ask me what we should say to M. It makes me wonder, though, what would I want people to say to ME if the same thing should happen?  and, honestly, there is nothing to say.  There is nothing that one could say that would be comforting, would make me feel less like a completely stupid, miserable idiot, and would make me think that I am still as valuable as I once was.  At least not at first.  I would hope that my self-esteem would be able to recover after a few months, but for those first few weeks afterwards, I would truly be at the bottom of the barrel.

All of the things that I can think of to tell M are trite, meaningless adages that I know would not bring her any comfort at all and would just make her feel like she needed to put on a happy face to convince others she wasn’t as devasted inside as  I’m sure she must be.  I know how she felt after round 1 and I know that the feeling after round 2 must be equally worse if not more so.

When my dad died, people said all sorts of the usual things in an effort to communicate to me their sympathy.  And I know that everyone means well (as I do when I say those same words to another), but the truth is that none of it offered me any peace or comfort.  Instead, it stressed me out because I would then feel like I needed to thank people for their kindness, blahblahblah instead of wallowing in my sadness and distress like I wanted to.  And, granted, failing the Bar exam is seen as being significantly different than the loss of a loved one, and to an extent it definitely is.  But, having experienced both, I can tell you that there are not as many differences as one might think.  Failing the Bar whispers of losing the self you thought you would become.  For me, if I don’t pass on Friday, I am not taking the CA Bar again for at least another year or two.  It has been a struggle for me to come to this decision, but the choice is between a regular life as a normal person, or the possibility of practicing law in CA sometime in the next few years.  I’ve decided that trying to live a happy, normal life NOW outweighs the continuing misery and stress and instability that would go on for at least another 6 months.  But, if I don’t pass the bar this time, I will be grieving the CA lawyer that I will probably never be.  I will have to deal with watching others accomplish what I *know* I could do as well if it weren’t for my inability to pass this stupid exam.

So, when I think of what to tell M, I am at a loss for words because I don’t know what I could say that would do anything for her.  I also hate being in a place where I could potentially pass!  I know that any words I say to her after that will be lost as I will simply not be able to understand the feelings she is going through.

I don’t know what it is about this exam that can devastate us so much and make me feel like a stupid worthless person incapable of succeeding in anything.  Inside I am hopeful hopeful hopeful that I will pass this time around, but the question remains of - emotionally & mentally - what would I do if I failed again?  As noted in my last post, a guy at work couldn’t understand why would-be lawyers get all wrapped up in the Bar results.  I am too emotionally fragile right now and wisely held my tongue although everything in me wanted to lash out at him and say - “YOU spend months and time and energy and money trying to get into law school and YOU spend three years reading case books and taking multi-hour exams, and YOU spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education and YOU spend three months and another four thousand dollars studying your a&% off to get your license so that you can finally do the work that all this time, energy and money has been in preparation for and then tell me if YOU don’t care just the teeniest tiny bit about what your results are going to be and tell me that YOU don’t feel just a little bit like your entire life revolves around what those bar examiners say….!”

This week I have also been bombarded with the usual comments, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.. don’t worry, I’m sure you passed” etc etc.  Thanks, but seriously - how many times did you take the bar? Oh, once? Never? Don’t talk to me.

So, back to my point - what to say to M?   Sadly, the only thing that truly, honestly comes to mind and that I would never ever ever say to her is - I hope it doesn’t happen to me.

“I’m sure you’re going to pass.  I mean, most people pass don’t they? The only people who don’t pass are those that have some sort of a ‘block’ or something…”

- My boss

“You get your results soon, right? I don’t understand why people get all worked up over an exam. I mean, it’s just a test. But people act as though their entire life is going to be over if they don’t pass… I mean, oh my God, it’s really not that big of a deal…”

- File Clerk at work

“WHAT THE F#&% IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY CAN I NOT PASS THIS F&*&ING EXAM???? How can I have been tied for valedictorian in high school, graduated college in three years, got decent grades in law school, and had success in every job, and yet I CAN’T PASS THIS F$%#ING TEST??  WHAT THE F*%^ IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!”  (hysterical crying and sobbing)

- me in the dream I had last night where I received a packet in the mail telling me I had failed. again.